My Path To Atheism

Introduction
I feel the need to make the following clear in print and in public: I don't think that God exists. I write about God and lot and think about God a lot and use the word God a lot, but when I do so, I'm often taking advantage of the flexibility of the word and the concept. To clarify, then: I don't believe in a supernatural being who's behind all this. I'm not a deist who believes that a god created the universe and became uninvolved, and I'm certainly not a theist who thinks that there is a god who answers prayers or performs miracles or has any direct effect on our lives. I don't believe that such a thing as Yahweh from the Hebrew Scriptures exists or that Jesus is his son and died for us or that Allah is the one true god. I don't even believe in a more abstract "force" that guides us in any way. There is nothing.

I'm also pretty certain about this, so I'm not an agnostic. I only hesitate to use the other "A" word because it merely describes part of what I am -- not all that I am -- where gods are concerned. I don't believe in gods in the same way that readers of The Catcher in the Rye don't believe in Holden Caulfield. Readers, of course, take their disbelief of Holden as a given (no special term needed), since his nonexistence doesn't prevent him from being talked about, analyzed, or loved. I feel this way about mythology. I love Zeus and Christ and Ra and Krishna. They're important to the world and they're important to me and the way I think. And while I think the literalism of religion misunderstands what gods actually are, I often take issue with the dismissive way that nonbelievers treat gods as well. But, in spite of this hesitation and disclaimer, atheist is an accurate label for me. I'm an atheist. Here's my story.

Loud Cymbals: 18 Gospel Songs

Almost ten years ago, I recorded a gospel record. I'd already recorded a Christmas album, a children's album, a re-recording of the entirety of 69 Love Songs, and an album of songs in the style of other artists, so why not? Gospel songs are the among earliest songs I heard, since it's almost entirely what my folks listened to, so I love those old ones, and some of those are here. But I didn't just want to do the oldies, so I also recorded "gospel" songs by pop artists as well as songs that certainly had nothing to do with God until I declared that they did.

I decided it was time to make the album available for everyone.


Click album cover to stream all.
1. I Just Feel Like Something Good Is About To Happen -- A Bill Gaither song. That Gaither Homecoming thing bombarded the TV in the 90s and was truly crappy, so I thought I hated him, but when I was digging around for old gospel songs I liked, two of this turned up, so I guess I don't. I changed the word brother to the word baby.

2. Jesus -- A Velvet Underground song, which gives the album all the cred it needs.

3. He Touched Me -- Back to Gaither.

4. My Sweet Lord -- A George Harrison song, from his first may-as-well-be-gospel album, and more of a Hindu song than a Christian one, which I like about it. This turned out to be the "hit" of the album, which makes sense as it was track four.

5. The Man Comes Around -- This Johnny Cash song was released within the two months that I was recording the album, so it's the newest one on here.

6. The Holy Ghost Song -- I don't know who wrote this song. It's an old song about the Holy Ghost, which is the hillbilly way of saying the Holy Spirit, so it's the term I prefer.

7. Goodbye, World, Goodbye -- This was the first I recorded for the record, a song by Hovie Lister, and it set the mood for the other songs: non-ironic, but not cheesy, and in my style. This one, which I'd always heard performed as extremely upbeat, was slowed down by me and ended up sounding like a suicide note by someone delusional enough to think they were immediately going to Heaven as soon as the overdose kicked in or whatever.

8. Jesus, Name Above All Names -- A song by Naida Hearn, chosen primarily for its prettiness.

9. Let My Love Open the Door -- Pete Townshend has lamented that this song about God ends up sounding like a sappy love song. It's a lament I wouldn't have.

10. To Know Him Is To Love Him -- A Phil Spector song (recorded by The Teddy Bears) and the first one on the album that certainly had nothing to do with God in the original incarnation, but my mother once had the idea that my sister and I should sing this at church (we never did), so I took her idea for this album.

11. Hosanna -- Two Andrew Lloyd Webber songs in one: one from his Requiem and the other from Jesus Christ Superstar. The latter is still my favorite version of the gospels (probably more than the gospels themselves) and was very influential in my early thought, so Webber (and Tim Rice) fit well here.

12. Jesus Was An Indie Rocker -- The first original song on the album, and probably the worst, but what are you gonna do? Sometimes I like the song, and sometimes I think it's flawed, which is why I was hesitant to even write one in the first place. Rather than being a moving or spiritual song, it does what I tend to do, which is bitch. In this case, I'm bitching about religious expectations, personal ones I found myself experiencing.

13. I Would Die 4 U -- A Prince and the Revolution song from the equally spiritual and sexy (not that the two are exactly distinct things) album Purple Rain, one of the first pieces of art that connected with me in a holy way.

14. The Halo -- The second original on the album, an instrumental this time to play it safe (unless you count the non-words I'm singing).

15. Put Your Hand In The Hand -- A song by Gene MacLellan, another of the old songs I grew up with, recorded in the most old-fashioned way I could pull off. Includes bottle blow.

16. Gone -- I don't know who wrote this song either. I think of my grandmother singing this song when I think of this one, though this version might have been too rocking even for her. I include an excerpt from Neutral Milk Hotel's "The King of Carrot Flowers" in this song.

17. Two-Headed Boy Part Two -- A song from my favorite album, Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, another song that wasn't necessarily meant as a God song, but I like to think of it as a gospel album. "The King of Carrot Flowers" (featured briefly above) would have been a more obvious choice (the one that screams "I love you, Jesus Christ"), but this one worked better for me.

18. Randy Described Eternity -- Certainly a non-God song originally, as recorded by Built To Spill, but they present a view of eternity (using a scenario I'd heard all my life, the one about swiping a giant sphere) that seemed to end the album well. A beautiful lie to the self: "I'm gonna be perfect from now on."



More info about the album, from which you can find more info about my excellent music! It's all been a scam!

Heaven Is For Realz, Yo!

Judging a Book...
I first saw the Todd Burpo book Heaven Is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back on display several months ago at my favorite rink-a-dink bookstore. I thought the manager was just promoting some dumb little book he liked, so I picked it up, looked at the goofy kid on the cover, read the description on the back, snorted, and put it away.

If the book had just been what I initially thought it was -- some cutesy religious family story that no one was reading -- I would have left it alone. It wasn't written for me. I could (contrary to popular wisdom) tell everything I needed to know about it from the book cover and other trappings. Nearly every blurb is from some pastor or friend. The picture of the little boy who made the "trip to Heaven and back" is of a little buzz-cutted four-year-old, one whom you can easily imagine growing up to be a preacher who bases his ministry on this one event, an event he'd eventually have to be reminded about, since it all happened before he could retain much of his memory. (Mentally replace his sweater vest with a preacher suit and stick a Bible in his hand.) The abstract on the back of the book gives you all the relevant "evidence" that they're basing this trip to Heaven on, and it concludes with the sentence "Heaven Is for Real will forever change the way you think of eternity, offering the chance to see, and believe, like a child." Yeah, no it won't.

Within days of my seeing the book for the first time, I started seeing it everywhere. As it turns out, it had shot up to the top of the New York Times nonfiction bestsellers list pretty quickly after its publication, and it's still there at number one as I write this. So apparently people are reading this thing, and apparently it's a big deal. There's even a children's version of the book now.

I usually enjoy attacking stupid things that gain popularity and make tons of money, but I still felt a reluctance to attack this book. For one, it would mean I would have to read it. But even after I overcame that hurdle, there remained a reluctance to attack. It felt like attacking innocence itself. Then I realized that this was the problem: the innocence of a four-year-old boy had trickled up, not only to his father and family, but also to these hundreds of thousands of readers who were buying -- and "buying" -- this silly little book. (I borrowed my copy from the library, just so you know.) Innocence is charming in a child, but ignorance in an adult is less so, and widespread ignorance is intolerable. Besides, anyone publishing is opening themselves to argument, so -- finally -- I felt justified in doing my small part: throwing my tiny pebble at this Goliath of a book.

The Parable of the Magic Kingdom

Once there was a father who took his son to the Magic Kingdom. The father was very excited to take him there, and he anticipated that the son's face would light up at the sight of it. But, upon viewing Cinderella's Castle at the entrance, the son seemed unimpressed. "What's wrong? Don't you like the castle?" the father asked. The son replied, "It's okay, but I can't wait to see the real castle."

While riding the Dumbo Ride, the son was similarly not thrilled. "What's wrong? Don't you like flying around like this?" the father asked. The son replied, "It's okay, but I can't wait to soar on a real flying elephant."

Throughout the day, the son couldn't said that he couldn't wait to really be shot into space while riding Space Mountain, couldn't wait to really travel the world and sing with children of every nation during "it's a small world," couldn't wait to meet a real group of ghosts while touring The Haunted Mansion, and couldn't wait for an actual Mad Tea Party.

"But these are the real things," his father finally said. "Why don't you enjoy them while we're here?" The son replied, "If I thought like you, I'd be truly miserable. Fortunately, I have hope that I will see the real Magic Kingdom one day."

At the end of the night, during the spectacular fireworks display, the son was scarcely paying attention. But at one point -- late in the show -- the dazzling colors in the sky, the emotional music, the smells of the park, the taste of the turkey leg from dinner still on his tongue, and the sweat cooling on his skin finally filled him with wonder and awe. He looked up at his father with tears in his eyes and said, "Forgive me, Father. I almost missed it entirely."

An Alternate Origin Story

In the beginning, there was everything already: planets, sky, bushes, people, buildings, books, drinks, musical instruments, tape recorders, ice cream cones, grass skirts, Rhode Island, telescopes, digital watches, sexy stable boys, the disowned Velvet Underground album Squeeze, cardboard cutouts of Jesus, VCR 4-heads, arugula, Thanksgiving break, plastic keychain toys for babies, the King's Quest computer game series, square colored memo cards, racism, George Burns, masturbation, internet trolls, "Hills Like White Elephants" student interpretations, fingernail clippers, photographs of dead people being sold for five cents apiece, Smurfette, stains on a Frenchman's bathroom sink, the TARDIS, children who could sing the jingle for Krazy Glue, beard dandruff, open mic karaoke, boat anchor chains, Tylenol PM, the smell of an aluminum bucket full of crayons and erasers, elephant tusk controversies, dried lily pads in a scrap book with butterflies on the cover, the Articles of the Confederation, slam dunk contests, paper airplanes made with Hello Kitty stationary, WordPerfect 5.1, tetanus, Leanna Foxxx's fake breasts, the Gladney Center for Adoption, furries, conspiracy theories, Zildjian ride cymbals, 1840s camera tripods, New Coke prototypes, alt.tv.twin-peaks, all of the lead singers for Tower of Power, Babylonian theology, Regular Scent Dry Idea underarm deodorant, teeth fillings in transit to Atlanta, the Age of Reason, adobe huts, the Acronis Secure Zone, canker sores, Lotus 123 spreadsheets, sod, Avenue Q, plankton, quilts made of T-shirts worn in elementary school, Germany, the Horsehead Nebula, Song-Poem collectors, grocery store receipts, spend the night parties, white Chiclets, dinosaur sex, Humbert Humbert, donkey rides up the Grand Canyon, The Pirate Movie, hip-hop translations of the Bible, mitral valve replacement surgery, Hüseyin Kıvrıkoğlu's great-grandmother, No Fear Shakespeare, Phillip Joll, false etymologies for the Tagalog language, the clitoris, Dave's Records of Guelph, failed recycling programs, stardust, the dropping of the letter O in the word opossum, the R65 in South Africa, gaydar, soccer trophies, foreign exchange students who pretend to not know the language, three day weekends, the Naval Battle of Awa in 1868, Scott Walker's later albums, historic gazebo tour pamphlets, the buffy-tufted marmoset, potatoes, the 2002 US Open, the WEDWay People Mover, the asteroid belt 15034 Décines, the Faisalabad Railway Station, Egyptian feminism, childhood interest in tumbling, the peak of the Hochfrottspitze, abandoned planetariums, Scarlett Johannsson nude photograph leaks, moonshine, treacle, and Dan Quayle. For starters.

Eventually everything got to be too much, so it began swirling into itself, until everything was compressed into a tight ball. This was not done by anything or anyone outside of itself, and it was not done for reasons of morality. It just happened, as one might expect. And there the tight ball sat.

And then, as one might also expect of something that contained all of these things, it finally exploded. But everything did not re-exist at once. The universe unfolded slowly, starting with hydrogen or whatever. Everything expanded, and eventually the earth was formed and all of that business happened.

And now here you are, motherfucker.

God and Babies

After three miscarriages, my wife was diagnosed with a "uterine septum," a little malformed wall hanging down from the top of the inside of her uterus, making it look like a little heart. This septum was not allowing room for attachment to the uterine wall, and this (we're more or less certain) caused all three miscarriages. Fortunately, after my wife was diagnosed, we learned that there was treatment for the problem: a relatively un-invasive surgery where the doctor goes in, finds the septum, and -- in the doctor's words -- "trims it out." So trim it out he did, and the next pregnancy was a successful one, producing what they call, in the business, a "take home baby," a girl. So I'm a dad now.

Even though infertility wasn't our issue, we were recommended to infertility specialists (since they also handle related problems). The motto on their pamphlets and website is "For couples with infertility, miracles happen every day." They also have a place on their website for submitting "miracle memories." Now, if by miracle they simply mean "something good and unexpected," then fine, because this was both. If they are referring to the work they themselves do as miraculous (meaning wondrous, amazing), then fine, because it is. But if they mean that some sort of divine intervention or circumventing of nature was involved, then I have to take issue with whoever decided to use that word.

My baby is not a miracle. If it weren't for medical science, she almost definitely would not be here. She's my medical science baby.

Why I Am a Football Heathen

I've never been more afraid to publish a God Blog post than the following. I wrote it last year and decided it would fit on this blog (though I didn't originally write it to be published here), then sat on it like a coward. Yes, I've written about the Bible, evolution, Christianity, atheism, Islam, Scientology, and Santa Claus, but never about something people get this passionate about: football. If this is my last post, you'll know that some fan tracked me down and put a stop to my blasphemy.