Tuesday, April 10, 2018

The Religion Show

I have a TV show now. It's called The Religion Show. It's not like the God Blog, and I'm doing a character, but it is about religion. Two episodes are up already. Enjoy!



Thursday, February 15, 2018

Thoughts and Prayers and Sacrifice

I'm going to take your "thoughts and prayers" seriously for a second. I'll focus on the "prayers" part, since I don't know anyone who actually thinks you can send brain-thoughts through the air to other people. (So maybe stop saying that part of the phrase?)

So: prayers. I assume you're praying to the god of the Bible? Yes? So, the thing I notice about him is that he likes to eat meat. His modus operandi seems to be giving people land and slaves and stuff so that they will, in return, feed him meat. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read the Bible real fast. This is mostly what it's about.)

In the Bible, when people would "pray" to God, he would often appear in person or at least in a dream or a burning bush or something. Most people don't have the experience of seeing God anymore, but no one seems to mind. I guess this is why "thoughts and prayers" get linked together, since they both achieve the result of "nothing."

Which brings me to all the shootings, the constant slaughter-via-gun in our country. Millions of Christians are praying that it will stop. (Or they're "thinking" that it will stop, same thing.) But, of course, it hasn't stopped. We have about a shooting a week now, which is -- you know -- weird. But, yes, constant prayers flowing up (not that there is any such thing as "up," since we don't live on a flat earth as the Bible assumed, but I digress) to God. So why isn't he answering?

God isn't answering your prayers -- I am now proposing -- because he is hungry. "Hangry," even. He is hungry for meat.

Remember, in the early days, God demanded meat all the time. They called them "sacrifices" in the Bible, because you were giving up something that you yourself desperately wanted. You, too, were hungry and wanted to eat. I dare say you needed the food more than God did, but -- then again -- he's a very large-bodied deity (maybe? who can say?), so maybe he requires enormous amounts of food.

So, yeah, God demanded that his people give him meat, specifically from first-born things: first-born goats, first-born lambs, first-born humans. Yep, he even wanted your own children. If you're surprised by this, then -- and I cannot stress this enough -- go and read the Bible. Luckily, God did make an exception for children. He allowed a "scapegoat." You could give an animal instead of your son. A kid for a kid. Whew!

This meat-giving went on for quite some time, but then Rome destroyed the temple where most of the meat offerings were happening, and so it stopped. It hasn't been done for a while now.

A little before the offerings stopped entirely, Jesus (and here's where Christianity kicks in) came along and offered himself as a sacrifice. And, don't get me wrong, that was a sweet gesture and all, but it was only a single meal for God to eat. Since Jesus was a god himself (sort of? maybe?), perhaps he was even more filling, thus sating God for a couple thousand years--I don't know. I do know that people all over the world, to this day, pretend to eat Jesus's meat and drink his blood, so maybe some wires were crossed somewhere? Because we're not the ones who are hungry. God is.

Also, some people think you can offer prayers as sacrifices for God to eat, but how do you eat thought-words? Answer: you don't. Your thoughts and prayers intended to feed God do about as much as your thoughts and prayers intended to halt gun-caused deaths.

So I'll say it again, at the risk of sounding completely repetitive. God is starving after all this time, and he wants to eat meat again.

And here's the deal. As I said before, in the Bible, God would give men (it was always men) land and slaves and stuff in exchange for the meat. God also gave the men who fed him women to use as they wished (for sex and wealth through lots of children mostly), and he helped slaughter people indigenous to places God's people wanted to live in. Yeah, so God's already done that for America. He gave American men tons of land (remember Manifest Destiny?) and tons of slaves (as I'm sure you'll recall) and a bunch of women to generally abuse, and of course the Native Americans were dealt with easily enough. That was all thanks to God. He did it in the Bible; he did it again for our history books.

But America forgot their end of the bargain. We're all fat and happy (except the poor ones, of course, who God doesn't care about because they can't help him), but God is ravenous and angry. We didn't give him his meat sacrifices: no animals, no nothing. So, tired of waiting around, and of course generally indifferent to human suffering (as is the nature of God--again, please read Bible: start with the book of Job), he has started killing us. He's using hunters to get his food. This is why God isn't listening to you when you're talking to him. He's busy eating.

So maybe, instead of offering "thoughts and prayers," try slaughtering a lamb instead?

Look, I know this sounds weird, or like I'm making some sort of sick joke, but I'm pretty sure this is how God works. Remember, he likes meat so much that he didn't even accept the "sacrifice" of fruit from Cain. He only wanted brother Abel's meat. Did God eat Abel after Cain killed him? I don't know. I wasn't there. But probably.

When God told Abraham to cook his son Isaac, but then stopped it at the last second, was God's stomach growling so loudly by then that he had to immediately eat an entire ram? Yes, yes, read the book, yes.

Maybe it's embarrassing to you that you worship such a disgusting pig of a god, but I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities, too. (I didn't actually find any good qualities while reading the Bible, but -- as I've said -- much of the book was about land, slaves, forced sex, conquest, and meat consumption, so maybe there wasn't much room for, say, God's appreciation of dry humor.) Besides, don't feel bad that your god is just a hungry boor: most gods were like this. Ever read Gilgamesh? The gods "swarmed like flies" to the meat sacrifice of Utnapishtim. Disgusting. But that's just how gods are, I'm afraid.

Anyway, I'm letting you know: I've done the research, and this is almost definitely what God wants. So give up on the thoughts and prayers and start killing some animals and burning them on altars so that God doesn't come for your children next week in the form of a white dude with a semiautomatic weapon.

Or, if you want to try something really off-the-wall, we could just have sensible gun laws. Totally up to you.

*

Stupid Dumb Fact That Makes Me Stupid:
This post began as a tweet I wrote to Marco Rubio.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Rusty's Halloween Chick Tract

I made this by cutting together a bunch of Chick Tracts, adding a few drawings of my own, and replacing the text. Happy Halloween!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Mother's Day Church Services

Once upon a time, someone had a seemingly good and obvious idea that eventually turned out to be horrible: "Why don't we honor all the mothers in church tomorrow for Mother's Day?"

A simple "Happy Mother's Day" from the pulpit, I suppose, would have been fine. However, what we now have in many churches (ask around if you don't know what I'm writing about) is a weird, time-consuming rose-based game show that looks very much like reality TV's The Bachelor.

"I have a handful of roses up here at the altar. Some of you will receive them. Some of you will not." The entire church gets to find out who the mother is with the most kids is, who the newest mother is, who the oldest mother is, who the youngest mother is... often through some sort of elimination sit-down game. You can begin to see the problems with this already, I hope, and we haven't even got to the bad stuff yet.

There have been many articles (thankfully, though apparently not effectively) written about this bad stuff, which includes exclusion, insensitivity, ignorance, and a general stirring of painful emotions caused by the church that make many women dread the Mother's Day church service. A short list of who these articles mention include stepmothers, women who are infertile, women who have miscarried, women who have given their children up for adoption, and women whose children have died.

Things can be uncomfortable at these services no matter what. For example, being a non-mother at all having to sit through such a ceremony can be weird, since so many dumb expectations are put on women to "be fruitful and multiply." Society in general does this (pay attention to movies, to get a taste), and the church plays a big part. A writer in one of the articles I mentioned described herself as feeling like an "empty shell" when sitting among the standing mothers. (The church also weaves in their goofy judgments concerning abortion, the importance of having children with a husband, their stance on gay people adopting, etc.)

I suppose the happiest mothers during Mother's Day services are the ones who don't think of any of the above and are just pleased as punch to sit on a pew with all of their children present. But what happens when (for a completely random example) one of those kids becomes an atheist and leaves the church altogether? Train up a child in the way he should go and... ah, never mind.

So what's the solution?

I can't say I agree with the articles that want to confront the negative feelings head-on during the services with lines from the minister like, "To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away--we mourn with you. To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children--we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be." This seems, to me, like yet another road to Hell paved with good intentions.

The only solution is to stop the nonsense altogether. If you're someone in charge of the church, do what you gotta do to cut it out. If you're not someone in charge, you can make it happen eventually by not showing up to the (apparently) third-most attended holiday of the year (after Easter and Christmas). Tell your church pals you're not going, and tell them why. Guys and gals both: just an all-out boycott of church on Mother's Day if they insist on this game show. Then let the free market decide if it continues.

Because it is, ultimately, a distracting game show instead of, you know, a church service. Okay, so there are mothers in the audience. Who gives a shit? Don't you have a god or something to worship? I know that, when I used to be a church-goer, Mother's Day was always the day I could count on for zero percent spiritual edification. We all had to give up God for a day to serve the almighty Hallmark and 1-800-FLOWERS. The Kingdom of Heaven was at hand, yes, but those corsages weren't going to pin themselves.

So just stop it. Do the Mother's Day stuff in your homes in the privacy of your own whatever.

And, before I go, a theory. Ever wonder why Father's Day isn't a big church event while Mother's Day is? My guess is because every day is already Father's Day at church. We have Big Daddy God the Father, of course. Most of the church leaders are "Fathers." Within Christianity, men still hold most of the power. But these men still count on the women of the church to pump out all those future tithes-payers (or future companions in Heaven, if you want me to be a little less cynical), so Mother's Day is their time to honor them. To patronize them. To throw them a bone.

A bone in the form of a rose.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Alternative Facts

Reacting to side-by-side photographs released by PBS contrasting the massive crowds of Barack Obama's inauguration to the poorly-attended inauguration of Donald Trump (as well as other data provided by crowd scientists), White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer declared that Trump had the "largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period." When Meet the Press's Chuck Todd asked Trump's counselor Kellyanne Conway why Spicer would "utter a provable falsehood," Conway dismissed Todd and said that Spicer was merely providing "alternative facts."

This little story would be all fine and hilarious, except that "alternative facts" seem to be winning the day. During the Obama administration, we had conspiracy theorists convinced that Obama was a "secret Muslim" (whatever that means) who was born in Kenya, intent on taking our guns and forcing Sharia Law on America. During the Bush years, Stephen Colbert had to invent a new word -- "truthiness" -- to describe the phenomenon of "feeling" the truth rather than relying on facts.

If our newest incarnation of the battle for reality is frustrating to you, then you have a pretty good idea of how atheists feel most of the time.

It's easy to make fun of Kellyane Conway's phrase "alternative facts," but it happens to have essentially the same definition as the word "supernatural," the idea that there can be something beyond nature itself: an alternative to the real world. As Chuck Todd said, "Alternative facts are not facts. They're falsehoods." Similarly, super-nature is not nature; it, too, is a another apologetic name for a falsehood.

The supernatural is what we are expected to believe in when the actual facts are stubbornly not available. There is no evidence for God, but he is apparently beyond evidence. He is beyond nature, beyond science, beyond our comprehension. He is not accessible in the same way facts are. We are simply supposed to "feel" God, to "know deep down in our hearts" that he exists. We are meant to have "faith" in him, to go against all reason, logic, and common sense and "just believe."

Trump wants desperately to believe that he had a large crowd at his inauguration. He needs to believe it, similar to many theists. ("I want to believe," as Mulder says.) "Trump is a very popular president" is part of the grand story he is telling himself, the false universe he has created. Because his ego is so large and delicate, he is attempting to force this false narrative and alternate universe onto all of us. He needs us to believe as well. Trump claims that any news (including polls) contrary to his personal belief is "fake news." He tweets out what he wants us to think the truth is, attempting to contradict and circumvent reality itself. To erase it and replace it.

If you are curious what the successful end result of such an aggressive reality-altering strategy is, you could read Nineteen Eighty-Four, I suppose, but that is just a book. For an actual example, just look around you. Religion has already created a functioning alternative reality, often having used (or still using) the harsh methods described by George Orwell in his novel. After these methods are successful, believers -- now feeling that they are only under the influence of their own decisions -- are happy to evangelize so that the false reality becomes self-replicating. Belief in the supernatural becomes so widespread and part of the texture that it becomes "normalized."

But it isn't normal. Nonsense is still nonsense, even if the majority believes in it. We all know Trump is speaking nonsense when he claims that millions of people voted illegally. We wouldn't dare swallow such unfounded statements. Yet we can easily swallow the even more nonsensical claim that humans have inherited this thing called "sin" that can only be removed by believing that a god-man died and came back to life three days later and that we can all go live with him in the sky (or an alternate dimension), in a paradisal afterlife. If we're taking bets on which of the above could be proven first, I'd bet on Trump's claim.

Belief in the religiously supernatural is one of the few delusions humans can have and not be called insane. Even many secular people, who don't "believe" any of this, will accept it as normal human behavior. Many simply prefer not to think about religion at all, even though it affects their everyday lives in profound ways, just as many citizens prefer not to think about politics.

So I do try to think about it, about how weird it is that people are functioning as if invisible creatures are all around us, about how abnormal it is that there's a church everywhere I look in my town, established to promote and sustain these peculiar anti-factual traditions, people singing songs and raising hands to something that -- by all objective appearances -- is not there.

I know what it's like to live in a fake reality, because I lived in one most of my life. Like most people, I was handed my deeply-held beliefs at birth, and it took me over thirty years to claw my way out of the made-up world of gods, demons, ghosts, spirits, and angels. After I escaped, I realized that I hadn't been just living in a pretend world; I was living in someone else's pretend world. At least Donald Trump gets to live in a land of his own make-believe. The fantasy world I lived in was created thousands of years ago by ancient religious cultures, shaped and refined by time and place, saving itself from extinction over and over through adaptation and aggression. This evolving survival machine called "God" found a place for me and tried its best to make me comfortable so that I would never leave it. I nearly never did.

Even after struggle, I didn't really escape religion entirely. No one does. I still have to play by its rules, still have to survive within the structures religious people have created. As the saying goes, it's their world; I'm just living in it. For a harmless example, I am expected to behave as if it is perfectly normal when someone closes their eyes and says they are about to speak to the creator of the universe, when of course no such thing is really happening. I am expected to behave this way, in part, out of politeness and respect. For a more serious example, we all have to deal with those who hate, discriminate, destroy our environment, deny science, misunderstand reproduction, and all the other garbage we have to deal with from the worst segment of religious people, all because of something they "believe," eternal "truths" they "know," based on knowledge that is about as real as the alternative fact that Donald Trump has been on the cover of Time magazine more than anyone else.

Because of Trump (and those who promote and believe his false narratives), we are currently involved in a fight for reality itself. It's pretty serious, and the consequences if we lose the fight are severe. So will we be able to live based on observable facts, or will we give in to a fiction created by the state? Will two plus two equal four, or will it -- as I'm hearing it from a lot of people now, big league -- equal five?

I don't know, but I can't say I'm hopeful. In the meantime, atheists are already used to this kind of gaslighting. Atheists say (often rather quietly) that God doesn't exist, and a majority of the country responds (sometimes lovingly, sometimes not) with "What if you're wrong?" or "You're just thinking about God in the wrong way" and makes every attempt to call us the crazy ones devoid of morality: you know, the ones who don't believe in the invisible guy whose idea of social order was murdering our neighbors with rocks.

If it weren't such a painful experience to be subjected to yet another round of post-factual politics and Orwellian absurdity under Donald Trump (the worst case I've seen in my lifetime), I might even say it's refreshing that someone else gets to experience what a forced alternate reality feels for a change.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Donald Trump and Christianity

Do you know what it tells me about yourself if you say you are a Christian? Next to nothing.

It doesn't tell me anything about your morality or about your politics, and it doesn't even tell me what the word Christian means to you.

Before the election of Donald Trump, Christians were desperate to convince other Christians of who Jesus would vote for and what the proper "Christian" decision would be. Many of the articles one found online were by the Christian Left explaining how the words of Donald Trump do not line up with the words of Jesus. Meanwhile, the Christian Right did what they always did, which was say the word abortion endlessly and drape dead fetuses around their opponent's neck.

The Christian Right certainly had their work cut out for them this time. Most Christians like to think of themselves as nice people, and Trump decidedly was not a nice person. In fact, Trump was a shit person, barely a person at all.

Of course, Republican politicians are often not-very-nice people, but they are better at faking it and codifying their hatred than Trump was. Mitt Romney could have been your friendly next-door neighbor when saying things like (actual quote), "Call me old fashioned, but I don't support gay marriage" Aw, shucks.

Donald Trump, however, as many have pointed out, was the Frankenstein's monster that the Republican party created. He was their pure id, and the racism, sexism, xenophobia, and the rest of the garbage that modern Republicans have always stood for was there for everyone to see: unfiltered, every night, using the most vile vocabulary and imagery we've ever witnessed publicly from someone running for the highest office in the land. "Aw, man, now everyone knows what we really look like underneath these smiling game show host masks," one could almost hear the Republican leaders lament.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Alabama Science

The Alabama State Board of Education has recently written inserts for science textbooks that cover evolution. I have provided the text below (italics), in full, and have also spelled out the subtext for you.

The word “theory” has many meanings. Theories are defined as systematically organized knowledge, abstract reasoning, a speculative idea or plan, or a systematic statement of principles. Scientific theories are based on both observations of the natural world and assumptions about the natural world. They are always subject to change in view of new and confirmed observations.

Subtext: Scientific theories may change, but God never changes.

Many scientific theories have been developed over time. The value of scientific work is not only the development of theories but also what is learned from the development process. The Alabama Course of Study: Science includes many theories and studies of scientists’ work. The work of Copernicus, Newton, and Einstein, to name a few, has provided a basis of our knowledge of the world today.

Subtext: It is wonderful that God provides us with scientists to understand his creation better, even if they don't always get it right. God, however, will always be right.

The theory of evolution by natural selection is a controversial theory that is included in this textbook. It is controversial because it states that natural selection provides the basis for the modern scientific explanation for the diversity of living things.

Subtext: We recognize that evolution explains a lot of things that we previously thought God did, and we're not comfortable with this.

Since natural selection has been observed to play a role in influencing small changes in a population, it is assumed that it produces large changes, even though this has not been directly observed.

Subtext: Rather than reading about evolution ourselves, we got other religious people to explain their understanding of it to us.

Because of its importance and implications, students should understand the nature of evolutionary theories. They should learn to make distinctions between the multiple meanings of evolution, to distinguish between observations and assumptions used to draw conclusions, and to wrestle with the unanswered questions and unresolved problems still faced by evolutionary theory.

Subtext: Because studying evolution might make students not believe in God, we want them to distrust science. Any time science cannot quickly and simply answer a complicated question, we want our students to be brave enough to suggest "Maybe God did it?" We want student to feel that doing so is a tough intellectual endeavor fought against mammoth persecution.

There are many unanswered questions about the origin of life. With the explosion of new scientific knowledge in biochemical and molecular biology and exciting new fossil discoveries, Alabama students may be among those who use their understanding and skills to contribute to knowledge and to answer many unanswered questions. Instructional material associated with controversy should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

Subtext: We can't prove that God exists, but we hope that our future scientists will look for God in everything they study. If they look hard enough and believe hard enough, they will find him. In the meantime, never lose your faith that he exists!