Tuesday, April 10, 2018

The Religion Show

I have a TV show now. It's called The Religion Show. It's not like the God Blog, and I'm doing a character, but it is about religion. Two episodes are up already. Enjoy!

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Thoughts and Prayers and Sacrifice

I'm going to take your "thoughts and prayers" seriously for a second. I'll focus on the "prayers" part, since I don't know anyone who actually thinks you can send brain-thoughts through the air to other people. (So maybe stop saying that part of the phrase?)

So: prayers. I assume you're praying to the god of the Bible? Yes? So, the thing I notice about him is that he likes to eat meat. His modus operandi seems to be giving people land and slaves and stuff so that they will, in return, feed him meat. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, go read the Bible real fast. This is mostly what it's about.)

In the Bible, when people would "pray" to God, he would often appear in person or at least in a dream or a burning bush or something. Most people don't have the experience of seeing God anymore, but no one seems to mind. I guess this is why "thoughts and prayers" get linked together, since they both achieve the result of "nothing."

Which brings me to all the shootings, the constant slaughter-via-gun in our country. Millions of Christians are praying that it will stop. (Or they're "thinking" that it will stop, same thing.) But, of course, it hasn't stopped. We have about a shooting a week now, which is -- you know -- weird. But, yes, constant prayers flowing up (not that there is any such thing as "up," since we don't live on a flat earth as the Bible assumed, but I digress) to God. So why isn't he answering?

God isn't answering your prayers -- I am now proposing -- because he is hungry. "Hangry," even. He is hungry for meat.

Remember, in the early days, God demanded meat all the time. They called them "sacrifices" in the Bible, because you were giving up something that you yourself desperately wanted. You, too, were hungry and wanted to eat. I dare say you needed the food more than God did, but -- then again -- he's a very large-bodied deity (maybe? who can say?), so maybe he requires enormous amounts of food.

So, yeah, God demanded that his people give him meat, specifically from first-born things: first-born goats, first-born lambs, first-born humans. Yep, he even wanted your own children. If you're surprised by this, then -- and I cannot stress this enough -- go and read the Bible. Luckily, God did make an exception for children. He allowed a "scapegoat." You could give an animal instead of your son. A kid for a kid. Whew!

This meat-giving went on for quite some time, but then Rome destroyed the temple where most of the meat offerings were happening, and so it stopped. It hasn't been done for a while now.

A little before the offerings stopped entirely, Jesus (and here's where Christianity kicks in) came along and offered himself as a sacrifice. And, don't get me wrong, that was a sweet gesture and all, but it was only a single meal for God to eat. Since Jesus was a god himself (sort of? maybe?), perhaps he was even more filling, thus sating God for a couple thousand years--I don't know. I do know that people all over the world, to this day, pretend to eat Jesus's meat and drink his blood, so maybe some wires were crossed somewhere? Because we're not the ones who are hungry. God is.

Also, some people think you can offer prayers as sacrifices for God to eat, but how do you eat thought-words? Answer: you don't. Your thoughts and prayers intended to feed God do about as much as your thoughts and prayers intended to halt gun-caused deaths.

So I'll say it again, at the risk of sounding completely repetitive. God is starving after all this time, and he wants to eat meat again.

And here's the deal. As I said before, in the Bible, God would give men (it was always men) land and slaves and stuff in exchange for the meat. God also gave the men who fed him women to use as they wished (for sex and wealth through lots of children mostly), and he helped slaughter people indigenous to places God's people wanted to live in. Yeah, so God's already done that for America. He gave American men tons of land (remember Manifest Destiny?) and tons of slaves (as I'm sure you'll recall) and a bunch of women to generally abuse, and of course the Native Americans were dealt with easily enough. That was all thanks to God. He did it in the Bible; he did it again for our history books.

But America forgot their end of the bargain. We're all fat and happy (except the poor ones, of course, who God doesn't care about because they can't help him), but God is ravenous and angry. We didn't give him his meat sacrifices: no animals, no nothing. So, tired of waiting around, and of course generally indifferent to human suffering (as is the nature of God--again, please read Bible: start with the book of Job), he has started killing us. He's using hunters to get his food. This is why God isn't listening to you when you're talking to him. He's busy eating.

So maybe, instead of offering "thoughts and prayers," try slaughtering a lamb instead?

Look, I know this sounds weird, or like I'm making some sort of sick joke, but I'm pretty sure this is how God works. Remember, he likes meat so much that he didn't even accept the "sacrifice" of fruit from Cain. He only wanted brother Abel's meat. Did God eat Abel after Cain killed him? I don't know. I wasn't there. But probably.

When God told Abraham to cook his son Isaac, but then stopped it at the last second, was God's stomach growling so loudly by then that he had to immediately eat an entire ram? Yes, yes, read the book, yes.

Maybe it's embarrassing to you that you worship such a disgusting pig of a god, but I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities, too. (I didn't actually find any good qualities while reading the Bible, but -- as I've said -- much of the book was about land, slaves, forced sex, conquest, and meat consumption, so maybe there wasn't much room for, say, God's appreciation of dry humor.) Besides, don't feel bad that your god is just a hungry boor: most gods were like this. Ever read Gilgamesh? The gods "swarmed like flies" to the meat sacrifice of Utnapishtim. Disgusting. But that's just how gods are, I'm afraid.

Anyway, I'm letting you know: I've done the research, and this is almost definitely what God wants. So give up on the thoughts and prayers and start killing some animals and burning them on altars so that God doesn't come for your children next week in the form of a white dude with a semiautomatic weapon.

Or, if you want to try something really off-the-wall, we could just have sensible gun laws. Totally up to you.


Stupid Dumb Fact That Makes Me Stupid:
This post began as a tweet I wrote to Marco Rubio.